Taking the time

I woke this morning with a sense of "Oh, here we go again." Our life in this past month has been at an accelerated pace. I get easily sucked in to the mom thing of being exhausted by the "thinking" part of the job. So many details to coordinate and needs to think through. So, I sat down with my Father and I heard the word, "Foreboding"....ugh....I wasn't sure I even knew what that was referring to. Dread...yes this is what I felt. I still had unresolved details regarding the next couple days events for the running of our family.

The other day the Lord used the "you will know by the fruit" section of the Eldredge book to speak to me about the heaviness, sadness, hopelessness I was feeling since returning from our family's mission trip. He allowed me to see then and now that this was not from Him. So, okay Lord I recognize this also is not from you, but what am I supposed to do. I don't want to feel this way. I recognize this attack and feel weak to fight. I am tired of fighting Lord. I question Him, "Am I opening something for the enemy to come and get a foothold? I process further... I am angry about my responsibilities... I hate this part of being a Mom. I would love to not have to think of 6 other people's schedule on top of my own...and then to have to work a plan. I am not an air traffic controller I complain. I did not have training in this! So, my husband asked the ? "What would it look like to walk with Jesus in this?" I just love being asked those ?'s when I am angry already and don't have a clue. :} (But in my heart of hearts I am grateful for the challenge.) I honestly have no answer to the ?. But, that was a beginning.

So, I took dogs and went hiking crying out to the Lord that I need His rescue....I don't know how to do this. I know that I should be walking in peace and joy in the present. I don't want to miss living NOW. I prayed, "Father, I want to be in Your PRESENT and in your PRESCENCE. So, I prayed against this foreboding spirit in Jesus name and asked the Lord to reveal if there is something deeper. Why do I return to this place Father when things are beyond the activity level I like etc....Bring revelation Father. So I waited in His prescence ...I got the image of the Brady Bunch. This was one of my favorite TV shows as a kid. (I know Marsha, Marsha for you 40's ladies) "Yes, Lord. I loved that show. " Then I get a sense that the Lord reminded me of a thought which became something that I took agreement with, attached to my identity..."I will have the same kind of family; one with unity, togetherness, a sense of community, resolving conflict, a purpose bigger than their individual lives.

Now, I believe this desire was birthed by God...it was His gift to me. A desire from Him to be fulfilled by Him. However, this is where it went astray; I took this desire and without knowledge decided or made an "agreement" that "I" would create this for my family. So, in this time of hectic, conflicting schedules that keep togetherness and heart connection from happening I feel pushed in on....resistant....overconcerned about people's expectations and ANGRY because I feel like I can't get this looking like how it "should". So, I "repent"...Father, I didn't realize what I did as a young girl, clinging to my ideal, expectation, that I "should" "would" with my family. Instead Father, I give back to you my desire and ask you to fulfill this desire in light of this season. Father, I ask you to help me manage things that tax me and cause me to feel alone (especially since I don't have Alice the maid) to help. :} Give me the wisdom to know when to reach out and how to come up with the creative situations despite me to disliking this aspect of mothering. Something lifts with the dual aspect of praying against the enemies attack and for God to bring further revelation and healing. The arrangements still need to be coordinated, but I feel present, lighter, hopeful for change within.